Friday, February 15, 2013

LeAnn Rimes Suing Her Dentist

(Poor LeAnn.  Just clean it up, with Orbitz!)

LeAnn Rimes is reportedly suing her dentist because of a misdiagnosis.  Because of this Rimes has said she's had to go through 9 root canals and suffers now from a cosmetic deficiency.

So you sue the dentist, but not the plastic surgeon for making you look like you're wearing a tiki mask at all times.


Kim Kardashian Taken Out For Valentines Day

(She looks like Vanessa Hudgens mom while Kanye looks like a giant douche as usual)

Kim was gonna get you drunk, get you drunk off her baby hump last night as her baby daddy Kanye took her out to dinner for Valentines dinner last night.  E! News of course reported this story showing the Instagram photo of the bracelet Kanye bought Kim. 


It's diamond panther on a strap.  Because I needed another reason to make a sex panther joke.

Kanye ended the night at dinner by looking into Kim's eyes and saying, "Imma let you finish."  

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Conditions On Carnival Triumph

(It's like the ghost of the Titanic.)

The Carnival Triumph is a ship that's been sailing since 1999, yep this ship was new when Britney Spears was.  The ship was stalled in the middle of the ocean on Feb 10th after an engine room fire caused complete loss of power and propulsion.  

Passengers on the ship have now been stranded at sea for three days.  The employees at the concierge desk have issued a white flag to the passengers aborad the ship saying quote, "We're sorry, but we have no more rooms to upgrade you to."  

We've heard reports that passengers have been forced to eat onion sandwiches due to the lack of food.  Two thoughts:
  1. Why wouldn't you just eat bread instead of eating bread that makes you cry.
  2. I bet you're thinking twice about that 5th burger you had the other day.
3 days without power and minimal food have proven to be to much for many passengers, with many upset that they were not able to charge their phones.   Passengers have also been asked to use the toilet as little as possible.  The crew has now changed its opinion of men peeing over the side from, "This will not be tolerated," to, "You've been eating onion sandwiches for a day and a half, go for it!"

The ship should dock later on today in Alabama, where it will most likely be converted into a Dixie Stampede.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Miley Cyrus Vs Perez Hilton

(Oh lord Jesus it's a catfight!)

Miley Cyrus is now at war with Perez Hilton over something he said on Twitter about her cheating on her soon to be husband.

This feud is reportedly heating up quickly.  Tweets are being sent out by the dozen and videos are said to be in the waiting.  The US Government reports that if this feud continues to escalate the number of US brain cells lost could be in the millions.

This feud is sponsored by Forever 21.  Where you can look like a classy skank, even on a dime.

Jeff Probst's Talk Show Cancelled

(The guy from Survivor)

Pictured above is Jeff Probst, the guy that hosts Survivor.  I know what you're thinking, it's two things:
  1. Survivor is still a show?
  2. That guy had a talk show?
The answer to both of these questions is YES!  

The great minds at CBS have decided that Jeff Probst is only able to handle one show.  Files that I recovered while sneaking around CBS Studios dressed as Kat Dennings.

(Convincing Right?  My tits looked awesome.)

The files I obtained explained in details the strain put on Jeff Probst: leaking oil, a malfunctioning left arm, and a several attempts at setting fire to the set of The Big Bang Theory.  Until these issues can be addressed officials of CBS are only letting Probst handle his normal Survivor duties: looking off in the corner at all times, speaking in a mundane tone, and putting out torches.

Word is also out that The Ricki Lake Show has also been cancelled due to the crew complaining about the studio frequently smelling of North Pacific Cod.



Taylor Swift Hates Daryl Hannah


(Yes, I stole this photo from the person that took it after it was stole from them by E! News)

Today a long standing question finally has an answer and that answer is YES!  Earlier today Daryl Hannah was arrested along with a group of other protesters after they handcuffed themselves to the White House fence to protest some big pipe that's being made to bring Canadian Oil to Texas.

Also arrested was this guy:
(I got this photo from the same post on E! News, did the same person take it?  I don't really care.)

This guy banged Taylor Swift.  They dated, they broke up, she wrote a song.  But Taylor Swift was the one that called the police about these guys hanging on the White House fence like cheap Hallmark Christmas Decorations.  This is proven by Taylor not saying where she was and what she was doing all day today.  To prevent this from being true, Taylor should have sent a tweet every minute today.  But she failed to cover her tracks.

Also found this photo:
(Oh boy, she looks the opposite of happy.)

Taylor has one this battle in the Taylor Vs Daryl saga.

The history of Taylor Swift VS Daryl Hannah is a long one.  We all remember that faithful day back in 1864 where Swift's father was killed by Hannah and her lover William Raskenburg IV.  This incident is fondly remembered as the Drunken Carriage Murder of 1864.  As everyone knows Hannah and Raskenburg left the pub and took reigns of their horse, along the way home Swift's father was trampled.

The following is a photo taken just before the tragic incident.
(The man on the back was known as the Behind You On Your Carriage Killer, luckily this was his last ride.)

This rivalry will not be settled and today's battle is over.  We all however know that Swift and Hannah's war is to the death.

Until the next clash.







Thursday, December 1, 2011

Once Upon A Time Redux - That Still Small Voice


The magic's in the air!  Can you feel it?  Who cares about Christmas? I'm talking about the Once Upon A Time Redux!  

Alright so the latest episode is focused on one of my personal favorite characters ever, Jiminy Cricket!
(except he looks more like this in the episode)
(very Irish)

But this episode starts out with something different.  A mine collapses!  The whole town rumbles!  So we go to the scene of the mine collapse and Gina is trying to calm everyone down and back everyone up including Emma until she learns that Emma's the new town deputy.  Who tells her that?  Why her good old banging buddy the town sheriff.  (I'm already calling that he's the Huntsman, just saying)  Gina is somewhat accepting of this and orders Emma to get to work.  But we see Gina pick up a piece of glass or something and move on her way.  Luckily Henry also catches a glimpse of this and demands to know what it is.  Time for Operation Cobra!

Operation Cobra does a huddle up and Henry introduces the newest member of the team.  Archie Hopper aka Jiminy Cricket. Henry tells them something's up and changing and they need to go explore the mine. Gina's real quick to break up the meeting and order Emma off to work. 


 But she's not done, she let's Archie know real quick that he is her employee and she can't have her son questioning whether or not everything she does is some kind of plot.  She ends by letting him know that he better fix Henry's issue because all employees can be fired and she will make his life miserable to the point where his only shelter is an umbrella.  (Nice!)

Meanwhile we take a visit to Fantasyland...or Realityland...(Do we call the fantasy world real or not?)  But we are introduced to Jiminy's backstory.  His family is a roving band of puppeteers and thieves.  We the crowd enjoying a puppet show, (which I found quite funny), and little Jiminy running around and picking pockets like a boss!  It's then we're introduced to two characters that I really like, Jiminy's parents.  They're very interesting, funny, and I really do hope we get to see more of them.  We then hear that Jiminy doesn't like be a thief.  (Which is a good thing for a professional conscience.)  We also learn of his love of crickets.  (Foreshadowing?  Nah!)

So back to...reality?  We see Archie with Henry for another one of their sessions.  Henry tells Archie that he has everything the need in the backpack to go explore the mine.   Archie then does exactly what he was ordered to do.  He tells Henry that if he keeps believing then pretty soon he's going be institutionalized.  Wow.  You could tell how much it hurt Archie and how much it hurt Henry.  Really good scene from the two of them!

Back in the fantasy world we see a much older Jiminy working on getting the puppet stage set up.  He again voices to his parents that he doesn't want to do this anymore.  Their response?  Another funny set of back and forth banter!  (I really do love these characters!)  But then while working in the rain Jiminy meets a young boy who thinks Jiminy has the best job in the world!  Who is this kid?  

Back in Storybrooke Henry went crying to Emma who instantly stormed to Archie's office to confront him.  Archie's drinking to...drown his conscience.  (Hahahahahahahahahahaha!  I crack myself up!)  Emma's phone rings and it's Gina asking if she was with him.  Emma thinks Gina is referring to Archie but no, she's referring to Henry.  Neither Gina nor Emma knows where Henry could be.  But Archie does!

Skip over to Henry entering the mine.  He walks around and finds another piece of glass...

Back in the fantasy world we see Jiminy go into the quarters of none other than Rumpelstiltskin.  Jiminy trades some stolen goods for a string of gold thread.  Rumpelstiltskin is quick to question if Jiminy wants something else...Maybe some magic?  Jiminy states that he wants to be free.  Rumpel is already quick to work making a potion/whatever.  He tells Jiminy to take the potion and throw it on his parents, put it in their drinks/food/whatever.  Rumpel asks what Jiminy has to trade to complete this offer.  Jiminy agrees to let Rumpel have his parents and exits.


Back in the real world Emma and Archie arrive at the mine calling out to Henry.  They come with Archie's dog Pongo.  (Yes, his name is Pongo and he's a dalmatian!  Being a Disney nerd rules!)  Archie begins to enter the mine when the mine begins to rumble again.  The entrance crumbles leaving Archie in the mine where he eventually meets up with Henry.  Henry instantly believes that Archie has come to help him find whatever is in there.  Archie's quick to say no.  Henry asks if Archie still believes he's crazy, Archie give a bit of a hesitant answer and Henry runs off forcing Archie to run after him.

Back in the world of fantasy we see Jiminy and his parents.  The parents decide they want more money and it's time to pull the Elf Tonic Scam again.  They go visit a couple and tell them of the next town over where the plague is running rampant.  Jiminy is having no part in the scam but the couple is eating it up.  The parents tell them of Elf Tonic and that's how they are still alive and kicking.  The couple trade almost everything they own for it and are extremely grateful.  Jiminy feels terrible.  (Good conscience.)  As they head back to their wagon Jiminy has had enough with how awful his parents are and throws the potion on them.  They laugh and ask what rain water will do.  Jiminy instantly runs back to the house where the couple have drank the potion and turned into dolls.  The parents laugh but then someone runs in...."Mommy, Daddy...."  It's the little boy from earlier.  He demands to know what Jiminy has done to his parents.  Jiminy is crushed.

Meanwhile in Storybrooke.  Emma and Gina are trying everything to get Henry and to a lesser extent Archie out of the mine.  They even resort to dynamite.  


Then all of the sudden it's Pongo to the rescue.  He finds an air vent leading them down into the well.  Henry and Archie have found an elevator and are trying to make their way up.  Gina's quick to say she'll go down to get them, Emma says Henry is her son too and she's got more experience.  A pretty pissed and conflicted Gina just tells her to bring him back.

But wait!!  What's been going on behind both these stories?  Why Snow White is connecting with her Prince Charming.  John Doe still doesn't remember who he is but the connection between him and Mary is crazy.  But he's got an overly nice wife that he really doesn't remember.  Towards the end of the episode Mary and John take a walk together and he tells her that nothing makes sense in his life right now except her.  The tension is there for a kiss but in comes nicey wifey to break up the 3-count!

We go back to Jiminy who is upset and sitting on a fence.  He looks up at the star and makes wish.  Who comes to visit him?  Why none other than The Blue Fairy.  She tells him she has heard his wish but she can not bring the boy's parents back because what's done is done.  Jiminy tells her this isn't the life he wants nor who he wants to be.  She asks him what is does want to be, the crickets get louder, and The Blue Fairy hears the wish from his heart.  She turns him into Jiminy Cricket!  


She tells him to go find the young boy and he shall guide him because the boy is going to go through hard times in his life.  Jiminy asks her how he can find the boy, he doesn't even know his name.  The Blue Fairy tells him his name is Gepetto and Jiminy will live as long as he needs to take care of him.

Back in Storybrooke we see Archie and Henry in the elevator.  They get hid in the head with something.  It's dust from Emma coming down to save them.  She gets Henry out but the elevator starts creaking.  Archie stuck and the elevator's about to collapse.  We see the elevator shoot down into the dark.  But what's this!  Archie grabbed a hold of Emma's gear with his umbrella!  (Good ole Jiminy!)

Back up on the ground everyone is happy that the two are safe.  Gina is checking on Henry when Emma walks over to do the same and Gina is quick to tell Emma to back off and go do her job as deputy.  Emma didn't look too happy. 

We cut to a scene in Mr. Gold's shop.  What do we see in there?  The dolls of the parents...



 The last scene shows us something else.  Everyone is talking, as Gina walks up to the air shaft.  She tosses in the piece of glass from earlier.  Where does it land?  Right on top of Snow White's glass coffin...


Overall a great episode of the show.  I really do love this show and it just gets better and better with each episode!  

Till the next OUAT Redux!  Later!